Argh, I was just in the middle of a long post, one that was admittedly a bit rambling, and somehow blogger never auto-saved it and it's gone. I think this one is going to be shorter because I'm exhausted.
Report cards are due tomorrow, so I stayed at school pretty late finishing off a pile of marking and getting my comments in. Yuck. And I have to be up early enough so I can go double check them in the morning. I can't actually complain about doing report cards: we have comment codes that we use. All I have to do is pick three comments per kid and enter in the corresponding codes. However, one must be careful that they don't mess up the number. My friend Fea loves to tell the story about how she once mistakenly entered a music code that was something along the lines of "student is developing good fingering techniques".
I have to admit I've been feeling quite emo these days. It's not without reason; but I'm getting rather sick and tired of feeling down. I think sometimes my frustration at feeling down makes me feel worse.
To top it off, I just don't feel like myself these days. There are times where I feel the essence of myself coming back; like when I'm out with friends, or I'm at a concert, or even sometimes when I'm teaching. However, these moments are fleeting.
I've also not been sleeping well, which is crazy - I'm the best at sleep. My subconscious likes to torture me with weird dreams, and I've been waking up at 4 am and not really falling back asleep. I was sharing this with my friend Fea when we went out for dinner on Tuesday night, and she suggested that I make a list of things that I like to do when I can't sleep.
On my subway ride home from work tonight I realized that I hadn't listened to the Weakerthans in forever, so I put all their stuff on random and my favourite song of all time, "Reconstruction Site" came on, and it made me feel really good. The line from this post's title comes from that song and it's true: I should throw away my misery; it never meant that much to me, it never sent a get-well card.
I'm a lucky person because I am usually really good at finding joy in small things. I don't need some big event to feel happy; usually there are things going on in the here and now that do the job. Of course, I have been thinking about how much I'd like to be by the ocean, because the sea is a good place to think of the future, but for now, I'm here, and I can easily find a lot of stuff here to make me happy.
Like re-listening to old favourites. And looking through pictures of past trips and realizing how much fun I had/have with my friends, and reading, and working on knitting some Christmas gifts, and keeping an eye out for shows, and going for sushi with friends, and getting in some bike rides while it's still above zero, and fun dinners with lots of wine, and maybe even figuring out some new ways to re-discover myself. Any suggestions?
So anyway, that's just a beginning to the list, but I'm going to work on it, and the next time I feel emo, I'll just consult the list, and I'm sure I'll find something on the list to cure the emo.
Oh! And before I go, I must post a picture of the bag since many of you requested. It was hard to get a really good picture that shows the colour of the bag because of the flash. I suppose I could have waited until daylight, but here it is!
Yes, it is the same style (Maggie) as the cream-coloured leather bag that I bought for my birthday. However, I really like it... it's the perfect size, so I decided to get the same size. As the guy in the store said "you'll have your spring/summer Maggie and your fall/winter Maggie!"
Anyway, tomorrow is Friday, and I hope you all have great weekends!
10 comments:
I suggest that you watch a bunch of Simpsons episodes with a friend. Laughter helps me, at least. I also go for hikes to help sort my mind out. I hope that things get better for you.
Hello hello. When you wrote, "I'm the best at sleep," I had a little chuckle. I just found it extremely funny for some reason.
Oh, I haven't read a post about you and cemeteries in awhile. Maybe the inner-goth needs to take over the inner-emo you've been feeling recently. I like going to the Art Gallery of Ontario and spending time in the Canadian collection. There are some great landscape works, and some of them are quite amusing.
It's always good to go back to old favorites in the music catalog. I also have not listened to the Weakerthans in awhile. I know you're always discovering new interesting stuff, and I don't know about you, but sometimes I go through weeks of new stuff that's good... but not necessarily "filling", if that makes sense. Anyways, sometimes it just feels good to reconnect with the standards, like putting on an old pair of Chucks. So I got a booster shot of Sloan a couple days ago.
Hope your weekend gets you out of this funk.
Student learning fingering techniques is a funny line.
Also, I have to say that we have all been where you are. In retrospect you can learn a few things like: first, being sad is OK, very OK indeed, being down and out s OK. Its life and if you aren’t sad ever you are on some heavy drugs. The trouble is that we fight it, we fight our moods and sadness and that creates conflict and results in pain. Sadness is ok, pain is not ok. so let it be. Actually throw yourself a huge pity party this weekend. You will realize that within an hour of allowing yourself to be sad, you are over it and want to do something else. Try something new like hot yoga. I have been to two classes and its physical and spiritual.
my sleep has been shit this week too. but mines becuase of the dude. Other than that, ive been kickboxing almost daily and thats seemed to help quite a bit. im so tired by the time i get home, that i just pass out
I actually envy that you find pleasure in small things! I think that's a fabulous way to live, being grateful for every day things!
Love the purse!!!
Someone once told me to count backwards by 3's starting at 300 to help you sleep. It works for me...
Christa
You are one of the most positive people I know, so if you feel down for awhile, I think that's okay. It shows that you're human like the rest of us.
I don't know if this will help, but sometimes when I'm feeling serious, I'll look around and see how ridiculous things actually are. Like when you see hipster kids on the skytrain that all dress the same while trying to be individuals, or a man with a toupee or pants because they are shaped like legs (don't ask). Once just driving in a car made me laugh at how ridiculous that was. Okay maybe that's a bit too crazy for you....hehe.
I have always been really good at sleep too, and when I am not, it seems confusing.
I always looks forward to the holiday season to play the christmas cd you made me. It is my small joy to ring in the season each year.
I hope you had the best weekend honey. Things have been stressful here too :( Phone call next weekend?
Cxx
My mom always said that when I'm sad, it's best to FEEL the pain. Ride it out when it washes over you and you will heal bit by bit. But don't ever push it away.
Take a hot bath, take some wine and candles and a good book in the bath, put on some good music.
Listen to sad songs! Then you'll feel your sadness and move on after. I hope that helps.
(PS - I started reading Clara Callan this weekend, so far - amazing.)
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