I just got back from doing something that should have been surreal, but wasn't really, which made it in fact kind of surreal. (That sentence makes complete sense in my head... apologies if it doesn't on screen.) My old best friend (circa grades 7-12) is getting married in June and I just dropped the RSVP in the mailbox.
Right now I'm feeling that odd sensation of wistfulness/melancholy that accompanies the realization of growing apart from someone who used to be very central in your life. A time when I totally appreciate the value of a blog for an outlet for my thought.
Mel and I became pretty good friends in grade 7; her dad was going through a divorce (his second) and at some point she moved a couple of blocks away from me. In grade 8 our relationship as best friends was cemented. Every day after school I'd hang out at our school where we'd gossip, attempt baking cookies, watch TV and movies and plot elaboarte pranks against our chauvinistic, inept grade 8 teacher (none of which were actually attempted).
High school started and we maintained our friendship and moved among different groups of friends together until we eventually found one that stuck (and is still stuck together today). We still had our after school and weekend rituals of spending a lot of time together and getting into enough trouble together. Wait? Isn't it only technically trouble if you get caught? Luckily, we didn't get caught doing 99% of the stupid crap that we pulled; which was good, since my mom probably wouldn't have let me pal around with her so much.
If I were to describe our relationship using a favourite biology term of mine, I would say it was a mutualism. She took advantage of my booksmarts and voice of common sense (which was really beneficial for her since her parents were frequently absent and I used to have a running tally of stupid things that I'd talked her out of); whereas I benefitted from her social capabilities.
Sending away the reply to her wedding has made me reflect a lot on our friendship. If you'd asked grade 10 or 11 me about her wedding, I would have assumed I'd have a big role and that I'd know her finace really well. Not so much in reality; I think I could count on one hand the times that I've met him.
We grew apart starting in grade 13 (the old Ontario school system used to have a grade 13 aka OAC... essentially univesity prep - we were weird... it's gone now). She was done with school since she didn't want to go to university and I was working hard taking my advanced sciences and maths. She met a guy at a bar and started to date him very seriously. They moved in together and got "engaged" pretty quickly (it was a long engagement that thankfully never went anywhere). Once I'd met him and spent a bit of time with him, I coined the nickname "The Devil" for him. He was seriously the worst human being I have ever met in my life. Anyway, not surprisingly a girl involved with The Devil loses track of her friends and by the time I was off to university we'd grown apart sizablely.
We drifted apart further during univesity. She started to rarely show for the semi-annual gatherings with our high school friends. She'd cancel most plans we had. If I called her she'd say she was busy and then never call me back. Finally, one day I just stopped calling her because being shafted so much by my old best friend stung too much.
Eventually she got rid of The Devil and began replying to group emails. She began making and keeping plans with our group of friends again. She has visited me a few times in Toronto. Often there are flashes of the easy going fun friendship we had, but the closeness is gone.
I remember what she told me the last time I saw her before I left for university. "You'll never have another friend like me again."
It was true.
10 comments:
So true. I miss the frienships I had in high school. I was so close to people that I don't even talk to anymore. When we get together now it almost seems weird. Funny how you and I were not all that close at all then, and I consider you on the closest friends I have now.
we've all been there. it is not the immediate withdrawal that comes from growing apart...it's more a pining at times that I feel. but we move on, and hopefully we meet someone or some friends who are truly worth growing together with...
Its funny how it works out that way, but it always does. I am no longer close with anyone I went to highschool with. Most have moved away, and the one's still here, I still don't see anymore. I try to keep in touch with a few, but its hard, so we have all let things die between us.
I definately miss the relationships that I had in high school. Some of the people that I was so close to i now feel like I barely know, even though we still see each other every once in awhile. I am grateful for the friends that I do keep in contact though, and really hope that I am able get closer to the others again at some point.
ah highschool friendships. No matter what, they never come again. I went through the weirdness of a friend's wedding a year or so ago.
Hopefully she's on the way back to the closeness you guys once had, sounds like she is.
friendships pre-college are a different beast. you really do become close with those people. for the most part you grew up with them, sometimes knowing them even from elementary school. you had classes together day in day out.
i think guggs is right... sometimes i find myself pining for simpler times... when you were always certain to see a friend the next day.
great post btw.
Fantastic post, I know exactly what you mean about the drifting apart. I guess it happens to all of us.
Scott
love it...i'm dealing with this right now...
i still keep in touch with a couple friends from highschool. but there are a couple that i'm glad i'm not friends with any more. it's like finally at one point i realized - 'i don't have to be friends with her and i don't need to be treated that way.' what a freeing thought.
It's funny how things never turn out like you expected. I just hope you two can get close again....if that's what you want! :)
Most of my friends now are from CEGEP (Quebec's version of OAC), University or work. A lot of the people I was friends with in high school and even before are probably people, if I met for the first time now, I wouldn't be friends with today. Not to say I didn't have a blast back then, but I'm looking for something more now.
Thinking back, the only friend that I keep constant touch with is my best friend that I've know for 20 years. It's funny how we grew up and stayed so close with simlar interests and sense of humour, but everyone else in our group drifted apart. Some moved, some got caught up with the wrong crowd, etc etc. I think I'll be doing some reflecting today :)
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